Harvey. A month ago. 4mo

The love of my life...

Motherhood: fighting off isoloation and rising above my baby blues. Revealing the overcomplicated is a mask for the simple.

 

Waking up.
Taking back my life.
Embracing the new me.
Honoring the old me, because it's still me.

 

I haven't written since our baby moon. But time does not control my self expression.

Far too often we use time as the all controlling excuse.

 

When time is all we have, we should embrace it and take advantage of it when ever possible.

For 5 months now I have been a

first time MOM

&

first time homeowner

&

first time stay at home mom.

I will soon write about this new world and introduce my Harvey and my home.

This new world I live in is foreign and wonderful. But the exotic nature of my new life is challenging.

Postpartum blues were real and I declared WAR on it.

 

 

My enemy was officially

my hormones, my focus, my expectations, my health, my energy, my drive, my brain, my ADD.

To combat and fight this war successfully, I needed to implement a strategy.

I took on this challenge in just the way I was used to.

Overcomplicating it. When it was and has always been quite simple.

These past 5 months have been very reminiscent of my puberty.

Increased hormones. Body changing. A new awareness.

But this time, I got a baby out of it and not just more acne.

So. It wasn't just me who would hurt. It was my family, husband and new son.

There was more at stake. Way more.

But there was also more to gain and enjoy.

Now. The work needed to be done.

I know what works for me and it was time to implement it.

I work when I be, do, have:

schedule. routine. healthy eating. walking. writing. photography. projects. plans. sleep. music. coffee.

The past 5 months it has been layer after layer of postpartum blues removed.

A layer would return and I knew I just needed to keeping fighting it.

I new layer peeled off yesterday. It's been wonderfully rainy here, and it's been cleansing.

So far. Writing has been absolutely rewarding. My brain is waking up.

 At times it feels like I'm trying to juice a dry orange.

I know to keep pushing. Keep going. Keep writing.

I'm writing for me. No expectation.

If someone reads it and benefits or simply gathers an ounce of enjoyment.

GREAT!

But I'm doing this for me.
To regain my voice.
 Wake up my brain.

Strengthen the route that connects my brain to my mouth.

 

BabyMoon

Today we begin our BabyMoon.

This is the honeymoon type of vacation for first time parents. 

Our last time away away from home, together, and traveling,

without our new addition with us or on our minds.  

Matt and I completely get that, come Harvey, our life will change forever.

This BabyMoon is also an excellent chance to really communicate with each other about this change.

There are many benefits to take advantage of the while on this trip.

Becoming truly present to the miracle occurring. 

Strengthening our bond in our marriage.

Building our parental foundations.

Learn to never lose sight of our love, friendship and respect.

We are one our way to

1st. Kirk Creek, just south of Big Sur.

Camping for the evening at our favorite secret spot.

2nd. Drive north to San Francisco.

Two nights at our favorite secret cheap hotel with views of the bay and city.

3rd. Head east to Sacramento.

Time to visit Matt's dad and show him my big growing belly. 

Haven't seen him for months.

Then south to home.

5days 4nights.

A BabyMoon to always remember.

Vicky.

Movement.

Wiggles, bumps, kicks, pokes, punches, pulls, turns, elbowed, kneed, tugged.

The many gifts from Harvey.

These past few weeks he has increased in movement.

Pattern.

I love that I am beginning to sense his patterns and habits.

Harvey moves mostly in the evening, usually starting around 9:30pm.

Whether I an sitting still or dancing around the house.

Harvey is alert, awake, and active when the sun goes down.

He can't see the sun yet.

Hopefully the sun's magic will quickly teach him the "normal" times for activity.

Personally, the sun did not work its magic on me.

It was the invention of multiple alarms and coffee, that helped train my night owl habit.

I'm still a night person, and Matt is coming over to the dark side.

But to be brutally honest, my life path has me being a morning person.

We. Me. I need to pull up my big girl pants and be a mommy.

Time to set an example for my son.

Our life needs one thing to be successful,

Self-discipline.  

Being active and inactive at inappropriate times, will only hinder our ability to run a smooth and we'll oiled family machine.

About Harvey's movement.

It will continue getting stronger and more often.

I love every bump and kick.

It's only creating a deeper bond and connection to my future son.

I'm honored to have to gift growing inside me.

He is his person, with his own habits and patterns.

I can't wait to really meet him, and get to know him.

I Love you Harvey. 

Vicky.

Working at Starbucks while Pregnant

Pregnant Barista

Working at Starbucks has pushed me to adjust and acclimate my every move.

Squat, don't bend.

(don't want to squash Harvey)

Stand balanced on both feet, not all my weight on my right leg.

(which I have learned, pushes on my sciatic nerve)

Ask, ask, ask for help.

NO

ladders, carrying milk gallons, taking out trash, closing shifts, putting orders away, lifting coffee cadens

My personal no's

Opening shifts(4am)

Warmer(standing in front oven for hours and running food out to cars)

Working over 6hr shifts

Working on Sunday's (personal day with Matt)

I've really learned that experience at work affects my pregnancy experience.

Stressing over work and pushing myself, is not worth it.

I am lucky to have Matt working so hard to support us.

I could not do it without him. 

I have really enjoyed working while pregnant. Specifically my little Starbucks family have been very supportive, helpful and excited to have an addition to the family.

My plan.

Work to about a week or so before I'm due, June 19.

So I can be ready, relaxed, and present.

Wrapping my head around labor and being in a place of calm and confidence.

World concept and ideas are shifting.

I find it very peculiar to see how my views of the world and personal ideas are shifting.
Altering my purpose.
Bringing in new life is truly altering my norm.

The mere fact that anything is capable of creating that spark of life and then grow it,

blows my mind.

There is something special/strange about being that carrier, life ship, incubator, peetry dish, vehicle, greenhouse, and pod,

for a human life.

 I am honored to bring something into this state of being from another state that is beyond our comprehnsion; hold it to a certain point of "almost complete", and then have it painfully enter the world as we know it.

Wild.

Does this scare me?

Yes.

But there is a seperate understanding of the enitre event that puts my human fears aside, and pushes an instinctual and magical feeling to the forefront.

I am beside myself.

A certain purpose of holding life has been given to me and I am only the carrier.

How can two people from create a life in such fragile environments?

Then to have something so tiny and micro in measure grow into a possible 6foot man.

Incredible.

Mind blowing.

An honor and responsibility given to only the female gender is such a huge gift that it truly moves my understanding of the world and ideas for the future.

I have always known the basics of life and pregnancy,

but until something is created out of nothing,

inside of you,

I realised that I know nothing and perhaps, finally, I am at peace with that.
Pre-pregant, my usual world concept and ideas for th future have always been full of fear of the unknown and a search for some answer of our purpose here.
I have spent years questioning, searching and being afraid of many things, such as death, the universe, the ocean floor, existence itself, what/who is our creator, is there a creator, how did we begin, where do we go after.
etc...etc...
Many sleepless night.
Countless discussions.
But.
Something has changed and is changing.
I am at peace with many of these concerns.
I will never stop my usual search and questioning. But the intensity is less overwhelming.
There is a trust that has been sparked inside of me.
The possibility of creating something out of nothing, calms my soul.

With all my love.
Vicky.

Matt&Vicky

     We have always been the planning type.
Matt more than me. Even conceiving was planned to a tee. That was more my doing because getting pregnant in September meant a few serious things to me. I had graduated from college finally. 8 years later. Also I would have enough time to return to CSUN to obtain my teaching credentials.       
     Also. I had reached a healthy weight, and felt strong. Would have preferred to have weighed less because 210 pounds is no skinny girl, but I do my best to keep up my health and strength.
     Well. We gave it the old college try and BOOM, it took a few days and we were pregnant. Matt was seriously proud of himself for his strong like bull abilities. As he would say. We have now been together for nearly 12 years an married 7 in June. 
     So we have reached a point in our journey and relationship, to now bring in another human to share all our adventures, knowledge an love with. We as partners and friends are strong, in love, and always working on bettering ourselves. 
     Forever, our relationship will take work and a conscious willing to change with the times. Matt and I are definitely not the same people we were when we fell hard for each other at 14 and 15, but our core and foundation are stable and in tact. 
     We are obligated to make sure the other one never strays too far away from who we really are. And we have to be aware and present at all times. Blink, and so much can change. 
     Getting pregnant truly feels like it just happened. But a season has passed. Fruit tree have blossomed and hibernated. 
     It has truly pushed our relationship into a higher more mature understanding of ourselves and the world that is our community. We spend hours talking over what our plans are in how to raise Harvey. 
     We are really seeing the serious responsibility it is to bring in another human into our community and our family. Harvey will be and adult longer than he is a child. So it is imperative that we understand this as we raise him. He must have a fun and fantastic childhood.            
     Imagination and dreaming is extremely important to being a creative and knowledgeable man. So, Matt and I have talked about this for nearly a decade and now is time to practice what we preach. 
     Are we ready? No and yes. But that's how we like it. And it's my job to remind him. We can only be as ready as we can be, but we have to be creative and open to change. Because there is a 100% chance of surprise. 
    We are closer than ever and still fight and debate. We are so in love and still annoy each other sometimes. I wouldn't have it any other way. 
     We are welcoming our first son, Harvey Dean Hinkley, into our world of adventures, searching for more knowledge, asking questions about everything.
     Matt and I just want to give him a world where he feels safe to dream and grow. 
     We give him his boundaries, knowledge of the outside world, etiquette, manners, morals and self discipline. Harvey will be his own person, and all we can do is guide. 
     As I write this, he kicks and bumps me. I cannot express how much I love his movement. He can't do it enough. 
     I know he will feel our love and respect for him as his own person. Matt and I are excited and scared but very ready for this change. We will do our very best and know we will not be perfect, but we have each other to keep us in line and open to being creative. 
     Matt and I cannot forget that happiness is #1.


I love you Matt. I love you for giving us our first son. I love you for being my strength and support through this journey. I feel safe bringing Harvey into this world because you will be by my side.
  
3more months to go.

Changing Body

.Changing.Body.

It hasn't only been my stomach. I have to share that my growing belly has been great. I have been welcoming every weird change and difference. Everyday it feels more firm and like a real pregnant belly. 

At least how I would imagine mine to be.

Nearly every night, Matt touches my belly and I make him touch my belly button, it is so weird and kind of gross. It's becoming flat! But Matt inspects all the changing muscles in my belly and is always ready to rub my back or feet.

He is so in love with my pregnant belly. So in love.

He loves all the changes and is honored to be watching all this take place. Matt will also do his occasional "I put a baby in you" dance. Which a few people have had the honor of seeing. Completely and honestly, he is excited and going through his own changes. 

But cannot imagine how I can do it everyday.

Entering into my later months, I carry a preconceived notion of how it "should" be. I keep reading articles and forums on how other mom-to-be are doing, and I really should stop. 

My pregnancy is, mine.

I keep up to date with what the "usual" should be at every week, and I'm on track.

The 1st trimester I actually lost 12 pounds.

Nurse said that was great, because I was going into this pregnancy slightly over weight anyhow. 

My blood pressure is better than ever.

I have, by now, gained back that weight, but it's stayed stable. Nurse says, I can only gain 1 pound from last appt. till this next one coming up on March 5th. 

I'm not too worried. 

My eating habits are healthier than ever, and less.

Of course, no added calories from alcohol anymore, so that helps. I've been enjoying fruits and red meats. Taking my prenatal vitamins and feeling awesome.

Doing my prenatal yoga once a week and walking.

I'm a sober, clean women.

My brains isn't fuzzy or clouded and I'm more alert than ever.

I even fit into my skinny jeans better than before pregnant.

Of course wearing it below my belly.

But so far, I'm all belly.

I have some days of pregnant brain.

 A few weeks ago, I took off with another ladies cart of Target. She chased me down, but then where was my cart with my purse in. Took me a while to find it. Nearly had a nervous breakdown in Target by myself. 

How embarrassing.

I had hoped she had seen my belly and understood the pregnant brain.

There's been a few funny moments of confusion.

A couple more moments of rage.

Thanks Hormones.

But I've been very serious about keeping them in check. 

Matt does NOT appreciate them.

And afterwards I feel horrible and like I can do better.

So to avoid as many hormonal moments as possible, 

I do my best to feel them bubbling up and distract myself with Happy things. 

example:old movies, coffee, fruit, music, naps, shower, drive.

Weird and unexpected event.

A couple weeks ago, my colostrum has began to already come in. [look it up]

Honestly, I was curious to see how ANY milk could come out of my nipples. I don't see any holes. 

But it looks like, all I have to do is take care of myself and my body does the rest. I don't have to do much.

My body knows exactly what to do and I trust it.

At times I feel so uneducated about being pregnant, but that's just my own fears of the unknown and change.

But, I research probably too much and I need to relax. 

Go with flow, and enjoy the journey.

Keeping myself happy, healthy, busy and educated.

The rest will happen by itself.

24 WEEKS...CHANGE IS NOW

Week 24 [6months] Tuesday, Feb. 28th 2012

There are a few major things to talk about.

Over the next few days, these are individual points I will write about.

They have been heavy on my mind.

and/or

Things that are happening in this changing body and world of mine. 

I will cover:

• Changing body.
• Matt and Vicky
• World concept and ideas are shifting.
• Working at Starbucks while pregnant.
• Movement!
• It's a BOY!
• Pains/Discomforts/Annoyances
• Craves/Wants/Needs/Loves
• Going back to school and when and why.
• Family
• House Hunting
• Organizing.
• Cleaning.
• Ultrasounds
• Exercise. [prenatal yoga/walking]
• Birth plan.
• Relaxing
• Intimacy [ being an adult and changing is mature]
• Love
• Babymoon [Vacation in San Francisco/Sacramento/Kirk Creek]
• Nerves/Fears/Worries/Overwhelmed/Scared
• Calling myself a parent. [MOM]
• ARE WE READY?!?
• OK with CHANGE [going with the flow] [family/friend support]

STAY TUNED...

SECOND TRIMESTER IS HERE!!

SECOND TRIMESTER IS HERE!

As week 14 comes in to view, the stressful 1st Trimester is quickly vanishing from my memory.

Feelings of JOY and HAPPINESS are filling my heart.

The sounds, sights, and smells of Christmas are here. There is a cheer and calm in the air.

Tonight Matt and I pick out our Christmas Tree. It's cold, wet streets and perfect.

I hung up a few lights in the living room.

There is a real joy from knowing Santa Clause will be back next year.

Matt and I have missed his spirit and cheer for over a decade.

The excitement and genuine love for Christmas can return for another decade or two.

From the entire experience of the 1st Trimester, I took everything and turned it around.

Reconnecting with my authentic self, and connecting with Peanut.

I've joined a Prenatal Yoga class every Tuesday night. It's perfect.

I have energy now and a sense of calm that gets better every day.

I even lost about 5 pounds. Nurse says that's great. I'm already a little overweight.

So it looks like I'm just taking better care of myself.

My goal: ONLY GAIN THE 11-20LBS I'm allowed to gain.

Yesterday morning in bed and last night sitting quietly something happened!!!

I felt Peanut flutter!!!

It felt like a slight movement in my lower stomach.

Like I was digesting something but way too low. It happened a few times.

Matt was filled with joy and excitement.

Everyday this miracle is becoming more real and true.

My stomach is growing into a bump.

My hand is beginning to instinctually hold my lower stomach.

Getting up from sitting down is changing.

Lying on my stomach does not feel okay any longer.

Sitting forward too long is uncomfortable.

I am falling in love!!!

It's so wonderful.

I am exciting to see what the next 6 months brings us.

I can't believe 3 months os already over.

I am still working at Starbucks, less hours now and more time at home.

I wonder how long I will feel comfortable there. I hope up till 8 months.

I need to focus on getting the house ready, start the application and test to return to CSUN.

I have to remember my responsibilities to myself, as a wife, a daughter and friend.

Most importantly my responsibility in being a 1st time Mom.

I can't wait to take our life and share it with another human I love so much that isn't Matt.

What a change, a welcomed change.

Something we have talked about for over 10 years together and finally it's here.

Pictures are coming.

Matt and I will be going out more and enjoying life.

LOVE YOU ALL!

1st Trimester is FINALLY over!!!

     The past couple months I've been ignoring this blog. It was not only one reason but many things that either got in the way or distracted me. This is my overview from the past months that I am so happy are over. The first trimester was bumpy but not intolerable.

1st Trimester

• Nausea after 4pm
• Strong smells such as meats and smokes turn my stomach.
• Sleep was my best friend.
• Naps on my lunch break became my only help.
• Appetite was zero to slight.
• Bickering with Matt became slightly more common
• Started to feel like there was a foreign object inside me.
• Pants for work needed to change.
• Skinny jeans became uncomfortable and dangerous.
• Legging and dresses were my only savior.
• Wanted to talk to my Mom more and more.
• Researching started to slow.
• Cleaning the house slowed to a halt.
• Caffeine withdrawls took a couple weeks.
• Thanksgiving came and went.
• Thoughts of Christmas feel daunting and too close.
• A strange linger of sadness and tiredness.
• Wrapping our heads around the mortality of everything.
• Driving a car seems like autopilot.
• Pinch around the sides of my stomach when I get up quickly.
• Spinal cord starting to hurt.

NOW WAIT TO READ MY 2ND TRIMESTER, TO SEE HOW AWESOME I FEEL NOW.

Thanksgiving 2011

Inspiration for Nursery Theme.

Peanut at about 12 weeks

CAFFEINE?

Fighting Nasuea.

So. Today as I left work, I had my first fear of possibly throwing up in the car. I thought I might of been overly hungry, but that was not the case after a small tortilla with cheese. Then a couple hours go by and I was still debating what I woud do for dinner. But nothing seemed appetizing. Nothing at all.
Then it was later and I was getting more hungry, and my small appetite only agreed with nippon ramen.
So. I took a deep breathe, didnt think about my nausea. Sang in the car with wind blowing on my face. Im a pro at motion sickness and know the tricks.
Feeling better now. Sneezing has stopped finally, but now my nose is stuffy. This baby is doing strange things to my body. Well, I sit here now enjoying Adams Family and full on nippan ramen.
I am not give up on out smarting morning sickness.

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mommmy&daddy

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T.i.r.e.d. with a bit of Energy.

The past few days I have been tired. But it has been a strange tired that coffee cannot be th e cure for. Naps and sleeping in on sundays seems to be my only aid to the cloudy tired mushy brain feeling. Plus, my heart seems to flutter like it has in the past after my four yummy coffees. Not too much today.

Today my alarm went off at 5:45am for work, so this too could be the culprit to my cloudy brain. But ladies at work continue to tell me it is the growing human inside me. True. They might be right.

Today I feel so much better. My eyes are brighter and my thoughts clear and ready for productivity. I started my day with a list I can lean on to remember important things to get done.

Wish me luck this week. I am committed to being a productive and healthy pregnant woman, both mentally and physically.

Vicky.

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